Bye Bye Merl....

I sold my car yesterday evening. I've had it for 8 great years, but it was time to say farewell. Living in the city, and paying for the upkeep and insurance has been a bit more than I can chew, so I bid it a safe journey into the hands of a 17-year old. Now, I have to learn to drive Al's car!

It's definitely bittersweet-I didn't have a chance to even say a proper fairwell before it was driven off into the distance, and I'm definitely sad to see it go after so many fond memories of driving to New York, Roanoke, the beach, and wherever else it's taken me. And, of course, who can forget the time I decided on its name after drinking a whole bottle of Merlot hoping Al would show some interest in me at a party!! (hence the name Merl-not for the color, but for the wine) .....Good times.

Bye bye Merl. Be good to your new owner, lil fella.

Overwhelmed.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't even know why. I'm not the one trying to go through recovery of a major surgery (or two for that matter!), but I feel like hell. I'm tired all the time, and I cry at the drop of a pin. Al can't seem to get full no matter how much tofu, or beans, or protein powder he puts in his purees--it's all liquid, so he never gets that content feeling of eating, he feels constantly empty. It's frustrating to him, it's heartbreaking to me....I wish I could do more, but all I can do is just be supportive, and understanding.

I'm also trying to sell my car. Another annoyance. I have to deal with calls, and emails, and questions, which is all par for the course, but I'm trying to catch up on work, and feel like this is probably the most stressful time to do something equally as stressful. I also have to find time to learn to drive a stick. Not just a regular stick, but Al's BABY. No stress....ha!

Another thing that really has weighed on me is that some asshat was making fun of the way Al talked because his jaw is wired shut. I won't say what the guy said, but it was pretty damn inconsiderate, and fucking rude, and he can just shove it for all I care. (So THERE you stupid, jobless DICK!).

Luckily, we continue to have a barrage of friends stopping by, calling, visiting. I'm thankful for that, and for the lessons of patience and kindness that I'm taking from this. (minus the name calling to ignorant jerks). I seriously need a drink. And a vacation.

Life Lessons

So, after we came home from the hospital after Al's jaw surgery (Saturday, August 12), we were home for about 3 1/2 days before we went back to the hospital--Al was not getting the amount of liquids he needed because every time he drank, he would double over in stomach pain. He lost a tremendous amount of weight, and I was growing concerned. We finally listened to our instincts, and called the doctor-turns out he had developed an ulcer. So, back into the hospital for another 3 days, 2 nights to get an IV so that he could rehydrate, and also get medication to help with the ulcer.

Thank goodness for mom's....because my mom was back up for the second hospital stay, and helped a huge amount around the house-did laundry, did dishes, made food, mopped the floors-it was so nice having an extra hand and one less thing to worry about.

He's out of the hospital now, and has started to regain some weight, and is definitely more himself, but I think that the past few weeks has taught us both some lessons about each other and ourselves.

Sometimes I lean on Al too much, and I learned to lean more on myself, and I learned I have a lot more strength in difficult situations then I ever thought possible. And, I learned it's OK to cry, and it's ok to cry a lot--that is the body's way of releasing stress, and I don't have to apologize for crying in front of my friends or family, because they are awesome and understand. I also learned to appreciate Al more...appreciate all that he does, and all that he helps bring out in me. I've learned that the body is an amazing tool, that can run for quite some time on little sleep, little nourishment, and severe stress...and somehow cope. I've learned that my friends are a blessing, and I am thankful for them every day. I've learned that hospital food is yucky. And I've learned that laughing is priceless, and the only way to get through frustrating times.

And, finally, I've learned that I REALLY don't like hospitals, but then again, who does?

Moments of tenderness

Al's surgery was last Wednesday, and since then, I haven't quite been able to turn off the water works. It started with finding out he needed a second surgery on Thursday-I had been prepared for one, but definitely not a second one. That threw us both off, and really set my emotions into a spiral.

I won't lie, this surgery has not been easy for us both. Al's mouth is wired shut-and it's hard for him to breath, swallow foods, and also to get sick (which happened twice). It's scary, and it's trying, and it's wiped us both out completely. I cry about every few hours, just from the stress, and frustration of trying to get him to eat, and feel normal again. He has a low attention span, often gazing into the distance. I feel at times that I'm getting a glimpse of what it might be like to be a mom, and have another being that you feel so protective of, and how much it hurts when to be helpless. It's so overwhelming.

In all of this though, I don't feel like I've been saying "well, I know who my true friends are." Instead, I've been saying, "I now know how AWESOME my friends are." Everyone has rallied, continuing to call, email, stop by. I honestly would not make it through if it wasn't for our friends. And family-Al's family has been helpful, but I've learned more about my own family, and how we come together in times like these. It makes me happy to know that my family continues to be a crutch, and would drop everything in order to help me out.

And, with Al, I've learned in our moments of tenderness how lucky I am to have such a wonderful life partner, and even though things are rough, we try to look ahead, and take each day at a time. I think this is only making us stronger, and for that, I am blessed.

Two more days...

Until Al's surgery. I finally had a breakdown last night-I had been pretty calm and collected, but then I spiraled into nonsensical breakdown/pick a fight mode. I tend to do that at times that I have to be strong-I just have to distance myself when things get rough. It sounds bitchy, and of course I care---it's just that it's fight or flight for me when having to deal with matters so close to the heart-and I always chose fight. I'm just scared for him. He's so calm and collected, stating that it's all in the doctor's hands, and that he's ready. I guess I'm doing the worrying for both of us.

Tomorrow is his last supper, and Wednesday is the surgery. I will update the blog as I can. But, for now, thanks for being great friends and checking in.